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mferg86 Tuesday, March 30th, 2010
Period of
Field Use:
More than 5 years
Last There: March 28th, 2010
More than 5 years
Other Fields
in the Area:
3 Rivers paintball- Much better
Operation paintball- Much better (but sadly, its closed)
Review: First of all I would like to note that I have been involved with the paintball industry for over 10 years (Recreational play, tournament play, I was a ref at another course, played amateur tournaments, etc). I have been to tons of paintball facilities, some good, some bad, but URBAN ASSAULT IS BY FAR THE WORST FIELD/ FACILITY THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN TO. Let me explain to you how my day of paintball with Urban Assault went. I got a group of 10 guys together (some of whom drove up from WV and the North Hills of Pittsburgh). I called Urban Assault a week in advance to verify that we would be at the Open Session on Sunday 3/28. The man whom I spoke with informed me that there would be an open session all day and that we were all welcome. So Sunday morning roles around and we all drive to Dicks and purchase paint (as it is BYOP). When we arrive at the indoor field (which the man whom I spoke with told us to come to), it is locked up, no one is there, and all of the lights are off. Thus, I call the OFFICIAL NUMBER listed on their website, and I kid you not, THIS OFFICIAL NUMBER IS SOME PUNK KID'S CELL PHONE which as a ring back tone of a death metal song (very professional). After speaking to inbred Cletus on the phone for 10 minutes, Cletus informs me that they are not playing indoor, but have conveniently re-located to the outdoor facility. Now mind you that it is March 28, 45 degrees outside, and POURING RAIN. Never the less, all 10 of us drive up to the outdoor (using possibly the worst directions ever conceived my man, off of their illegitimate website). We arrive at the outdoor, (where there is only 1 hyperball course available) and I finally get to meet Cletus (who also gave me attitude on the phone the entire time we spoke). There is NOONE at the outdoor field playing, and we proceed to tell them that this is ridiculous that they expect us to play in this ensuing monsoon. So Cletus (now joined by his inbred counterpart Jethro) proceed to tell us how they cannot move the game to the indoor facility w/o contacting their boss. So we ask the next logical question, "Well then are you going to call your boss?". Here comes the real ringer folks, Cletus looks up at me and says "Well I don't have my boss's phone number". REALLY?!? You really donít have your own boss's phone number? What is someone has an accident on the course, someone gets hurt, etc. So now that we have reached new level of stupidity, we finally hold Cletusus's hand long enough and persuade him to drive his obese ass down to talk to the owner. So Cletus embarks on the epic 2 mile journey to "talk to his boss". Now mind you that this same drive from the indoor to the outdoor took us aprox 4 minutes. We wait around for 20 MINTUES and still Cletus has not returned. Thus, we all get in our vehicles and begin to drive to the indoor, when we come across Cletus driving back up the hill. He rolls down the window and informs us that, "Nope, I just spoke with the boss, and he said that we have to wait out the rain". We then pull out an iphone and show Cletus the weather forecast for the day, as well as the radar which shows rain for the next 36 hours. Now mind you that this is probably Cletus's first time seeing this sort of 'devil technology', he seems confused, but never the less ,he sticks to his guns, "Sorry boys, can't help y'all". So the 10 of us decide to go down to the indoor ourselves and speak with this 'owner', who we don't even believe exists. We get to the indoor field, and there is a gray f-150 in the parking lot, but no one will answer out persistent pounding on the doors. After waiting around for almost an hour, we finally give up, But before we leave, I once again call Cletusís death metal cell phone and he informs me that there is going to be a private indoor game at 1p.m., and that we can play there if the private party will allow us (mind you that it is barely 11a.m., and they want us to wait around in the rain for another 2 hours, to see if we can POSSIBLY play with this private party). I leave Cletus with some parting words and we all drive home. All in all it was a great day, we each got to drop $40 on cases of paint, call of work, wake up early on a Sunday, and never shoot a single shot. So thanks a lot Urban Assault, for the joyess occasion and your amazing business sense.

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