My Poem

[lite-u-up3]

Hey guys, I'm doing this poem for school about something that interests me so yep. It's about paintball. Just like all of my other projects. So, tell me what you like or hate. Please be honest. I don't have a fragile ego so be as brutile as you want. Here it is...

A yell in the distance
Everyone runs
Millions of pings and pats
Going off everywhere around you
Smacks against your balloon like structure
While yells from behind you
Inform you about the other side

Finally you push forward through the inflatable jungle
Fog blocking your view now, you jump high
You fire three shots, eliminating one of the others
You get down again
Smacks against your balloon like structure

One of the yells behind stops
He is hit
He is hit

You peer out of the side
Of the only safe place you have
Out of nowhere
A sharp pain in your back
You are hit
You are hit

Raising up high
From behind your balloon like structure
Walking in defeat
You are hit
You are hit


Like I said earlier. BE HONEST. Please. I'm very average so an A wouldn't hurt.:)

[the other one]

it doesn't rhyme.:eyes:

i'd give it an 8.32

[mmsspaintball__]

i think the "baloon like structure" line is in there too many times... and it doesnt even have to be all complicated like that, you could just say 'bunker', because your poems key point isnt its rhyming anyways

[SinfulCindy]

*applauds* That was beautiful! :) I rarely like non-rhyming poems, but since yours is on paintball and makes sense to me, it's awesooooooooome.

[Cuervo]

I've gotta quote Taking Back Sunday on this one:

"Those words at best were worse than teenage poetry,
Fragment ideas and too many pronouns,
Stop it, c'mon, you're not making sense now,
You can't make them want you, they're all just laughing."

[lite-u-up3]

All right. I wasn't to sure about the baloon like structure thing anyway. Also, I never liked Timberwolves At New Jersey anyway so ha.;) Well, keep em coming. I'm taking every single comment into consideration.

[Danman69]

it was good, i liked it. It could have a better scheme.

[weeji]

Originally posted by Cuervo
I've gotta quote Taking Back Sunday on this one:

"Those words at best were worse than teenage poetry,
Fragment ideas and too many pronouns,
Stop it, c'mon, you're not making sense now,
You can't make them want you, they're all just laughing."

lol kind of mean but also true.

It sounds way too "clunky", it's kind of repetitive, and also a little hard to tell what's going on...and "ballooon-like structure" just doesn't sound very poetic, sorry :P

Just a little constructive criticism for you there. If I was the teacher, I'd give you something like a C-. Just my opinion though...

[lite-u-up3]

All right thanx. Man, it's a good thing I don't have a fragile ego because this is a bit harsh, but thanx just the same. I was using repetition because I like the sound of it but when I put bunker instead of "baloon like structure" and said "you are hit" only once each time and it sounded better.

[shortman506]

make it rhyme stop saying complex words like baloon like structure, just say bunker or dorito or something and then rap it with a PHAT beat in the back, gangster style. if you did all of that then i'd give it a 9 but right now id have to say 6 to 7

[El Kabong]

Originally posted by Cuervo
I've gotta quote Taking Back Sunday on this one:

"Those words at best were worse than teenage poetry,
Fragment ideas and too many pronouns,
Stop it, c'mon, you're not making sense now,
You can't make them want you, they're all just laughing." You quoted Taking Back Sunday to diss poetry. Either the poet or you should be really ashamed.

[lite-u-up3]

Ok, ok I get. It sucks. But hey, it's the best I can do. Well, thanx for your advise/insults:P I guess I'm average at poetry just like everything else. Except paintball tho but you know you guys probably already knew that. But I have to thank Cindy for being supportive. :wink2: :nod: You make me feel confident but all these suggestions made me feel confident as well because I used most of it.

[El Kabong]

It wasn't too bad I guess, but if you're not gonna rhyme it has to be deep. Make it rhyme or provide a new and astounding insight to the sport of paintball.

[dtfastj]

It was good man. I couldn't do much better myself. Just lay off all the "balloon like structure" and it will be much better. A woods ball theme might make it better but it was good none the less.

[wanabe TOSA]

it kinda sounds like a story, not a poem - im serously about to make u a poem....maybe

[sniper222]

It was a good peom, but it dosn't flow well.